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More Humor

  Humor Part I

None of this is mine and little of it is credited to the funny folks who wrote it (but if you know where it comes from I'll fix that). I've come across most of it online. Enjoy!

Three Minute Management Course

The Pearly Gates


The Rope

You know the world is going crazy when...


Spiked Hair


Thinker's Anonymous

Three Minute Management Course

Lesson One

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.  All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out
of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold; the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends your three-minute management course. Congratulations you graduated Cum Laude! You are prepared to run for Congress or the Senate!

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The Pearly Gates

One day there's a particularly large number of saints waiting to enter heaven. They're all standing in line. Saint Peter, of course, has to check their credentials one by one, and that takes hours. But, these being saintly people, they all wait very, very patiently. Then, all of a sudden, out of the blue, someone wearing a white coat and stethoscope in his pocket, jumps the line, walks to the front of the queue, and breezes in through the Pearly Gates.

Now even though these are all saintly people, they've been waiting a very long time, and understandably, they get pissed off. So one of the saintly people approaches Saint Peter. He says: "Saint Peter, we've waited a long, long time, very patiently, and all of a sudden that guy wearing a white coat and stethoscope in his pocket just walks past you right into heaven. What's that about?"

"Oh," Saint Peter replies. "That's God. He thinks he's a doctor."

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... Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I
can't even get into my OWN pants.

... I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess"
on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

... I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They
know me here.

... There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and

... I love being married. It's so great to find that
one special person you want to annoy for the rest of
your life.

... I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I
am perfect.

... Everyday I beat my own previous record for number
of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

... Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant
like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

... Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

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The Rope:

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to drop off. Otherwise they are all going to fall.

They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands...

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"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the US of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the 3 most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'"

attributed to Chris Rock in the e-mail I got

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The chicken and the egg:

A  chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on HIS face.

The  egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and  says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!

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Spiked Hair:

A young man walked up to a bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: red, orange, green, blue and yellow.

The old man sitting next to him just stared.

The young man said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

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It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what
I'm doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small

And last but not least:
I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!

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Thinker's Anonymous:

Do You Think To Much?

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker.

I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her mother's.

I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Skippy, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.

I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with a PBS station on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.

As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was "Porky's." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

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